Conscious Co-Parenting: Holiday Tips and Tricks
/I don’t do “Goop,” and I would eat a grilled steak every day if I could, but Gwyneth is right about some things, and one of them is adopting a new vocabulary for parents who do not live together. And this is the time of year when a little mindfulness can go a long way. So here is my co-parenting advice for this time of year. Put these things on your iCalendar TODAY.
- Take time for grief. Maybe this is your first holiday as a separated or divorced parent. Maybe it’s your twentieth. Maybe you have never co-parented under the same roof at all. Maybe the kids are waking up at your house on Christmas morning, or maybe you won’t see them until the second week of the Winter Break. Chances are, something doesn’t conform to your ideal holiday. Stop, acknowledge, and address. This doesn’t necessarily mean you have to vent to your best friend for hours (although if you have to, please do), but you don’t want your stress and disappointment to pop up as a disparaging comment or short temper. The other tips won’t be effective if you aren’t conscious of your own feelings.
Create new family traditions - for yourself and your kids. You don’t have to abandon old traditions, but it is smart to make new ones that don’t revolve around a certain date. Maybe it’s making treats for family or friends, watching a favorite movie, or visiting a Chinese restaurant. Bonus points if you can incorporate a one-on-one activity with each child. Also, plan ahead for what you will do when the kids are with the “other” parent. Maybe its volunteering, maybe its crafting or scrapbooking, maybe its binge-watching a really adult TV show, but make sure it’s something that you can look forward to. Make your plan in advance, because if not, you’ll end up moping around.
Incorporate the other parent. If you are able to preserve or adapt any “together” traditions, great. But make it a point to acknowledge your co-parent(s) at least once during the holiday, and your kids will appreciate it. An easy one is to help your children pick out their holiday gifts for their parent and/or step-parent. Maybe go out for hot chocolate all together after the school or church program. If your co-parent is overseas or far away, help your child put together a card or care package. Take this opportunity to share in your child’s appreciation for the other parent.
Plan ahead on presents. I don’t know what I hate more -- when parents give gifts that the child can’t take to the other home (and therefore can’t enjoy) or when parents are jealous and resentful because the other spends more. I can understand that a PlayStation may be a gift for the entire household (and therefore can’t travel) but if you’re buying a pricey gift and you don’t want your child or your child’s other parent to loose / break / pawn it, then maybe you should rethink the gift. Think about the presents from your child’s point of view. If you can, make a plan together about how much to spend, what to get, etc. But be flexible. If one parent is spending more than the other, or scores the “best” gift, it may be ego-inflating or annoying to you as a parent, depending on which side you’re on. But to the kids it is just awesome. And a normal part of life. And probably fleeting.
Enjoy life, but don’t erase all limits. Sing in the car. Enjoy holiday treats. Stay up late watching your favorite movie, sleep in a little. But please, please don’t let the kids stay up until midnight every night or sleep in every day or you will regret it. Make it a “treat” so it’s not “at Mom’s house we get to do XYZ.” And this goes for the adults, too. Watch those celebratory drinks. After all this hard work, you would hate to be churlish and hung over while getting ready for church, or worse to make some derisive comment while boozy that your kids remember forever.
Enjoy yourself, stay safe, plan ahead, and pay attention!
- Anna